Free Thoughts on Iran
Front Page | About FToI | Authors | Archives | Comment Policy | Disclaimer
e-mail

Monthly Archive: December 2006
bra.gif November 2006 | Main | April 2007 ket.gif

December 21, 2006

 Satire 
Open Letter
Arash Jalali  [info|posts]

A couple of weeks ago he wrote another letter. He likes writing letters; or maybe he likes attention. Whatever the motive, now that "His Excellency" has declared his detestation of "darkness, deceit, lies, and distortion" and his admiration for "salvaion, elightenment, sincerity and honesty", I, yours truely, a nobody living in Iran, who is eternally grateful to the Almighty for having been blessed to be living under "His Excellency's" God-fearing, truth-loving, justice-seaking administration, would in turn like to write a letter to him.

Your Luminescence,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am a nobody. One of the many million nobodies living in the country we call Iran, the same place Your Excellency would rather call "the Islamic Land", because afterall, this dear land does not belong to our fellow Iranian Christians, Iranian Jews, Iranian Bahaais, Iranian Zoroastrians, and yes Iranian agnostics and atheists. Yet, we God-fearing justice-seaking Shi'ites allow these infidels to live in our Islamic land in peace and harmony with us, out of the kindness of our heart, simply because we "deplore injustice and trampling of peoples' rights".

Your Excellency! A couple of weeks ago I read the news of your open letter to the American people while browsing through the headlines on a newspaper stand. The news of your thoughtful and timely action thrilled me so much, that I could not stop myself laughing so laudly, the other people thought I had lost my senses. Today, I finally had the chance to read your remarkable letter. It made me so proud to read those words, and so relieved that I, unlike those poor Americans, have a government that is so much concerned about the well-being of the people of the whole wide world. How envious the Americans ought to be, to see that I live in a country, the president of which reminds other nations of the fact that "governments are there to server their own people." Too bad they cannot see for themselves the kind of service we receive from Your Excellency's administration. Just recently I found out our Internet connection speeds are being curbed and furthermore filtered on the orders of your infinitely wise administration. I cannot begin to describe the sense of security it gave me, to know that my government is so much concerned about my moral well-being, that in an era of Gigabit networks, my government cannot even tolerate a couple-of-hundred Kilobit per second connection for the morally vulnerable citizens like me.

Too bad the Americans are not here to see for themselves the extent of freemdom of speech in this country. Our press enjoy so much freedom that Your Excellency's government is now passing orders for websites and weblogs to apply for licenses, or else face "the consequences". It is true that the Americans invented the Internet, but they are so obtuse not to have asked the world to apply for a license, otherwise you and I could not now use it to "freely" accuse their Administration of supporting injustice and distortion of truth!

I wish you had elaborated more on the idea of "a better approach to governance." Mention of a few instances like spending the country's cash reserves on building Minarets for shrines in Iraq while our own fellow earthquake-striken Iranians are still living in tents, would have certainly been illuminating. How about promoting the eradication of family planning and birth control? How about sending the stock market down the hills by adopting an insance policy of "deprivatization" and scaring off private investors by establishing a climate of fear and a constant anticipation of war? I also wonder why "Your Excellency" did not give these Yankees a few lessons on your latest innovations in the electoral process. I can merely hope, having seen our last Friday's elections, the American government at least is inspired to resort to more elegant methods of rigging votes, and stop spending so much of their tax payers' money on designing "deceptive" ballot papers that only manage to confuse a bunch of retired people down in Florida. I wish you had told them this in a language they can understand, like: "If you want to rig the votes, you ought to stop being such wussies and rig'em like real men. Steal the whole goddamn ballot boxes and fill'em with whatever freakin' names you like!"

I also do not think the Americans can grasp the depth of your remarks on putting "wealth and power in the service of peace, stability, prosperity and the happiness of all peoples". I wish you had brought forth some concrete examples, like giving money to terror-craving monsters in Lebanon and Iraq to bring war to their own country.

So good of you to remind the newly elected American congressmen and senators of the fact that they shall be held accountable by "the people" and "the history". There is a famous quote from the prophet that says: "Audit yourselves [and your deeds] before you get audited." I realize it is too much to ask of your Excellency, but for once, just once, please think! Think how "the people" and "the history", which you adamently insist on denying, will audit you and your company. Not "the people" whom you bring along in buses to "greet" you in different cities but nobodies like me. Believe me you do not want them to audit you! But I suppose you have already found that out when you visited the Polytechnic University.

Mr. President! I too detest "darkness, deceit, lies and distortion", but I also detest the people who are the embodiments of not only darkness, deceit, lying and distortion, but also symbols of cultural and intellectual anti-progression and degeneracy. And by that token please allow me to say this to you with utmost sincerity: I detest YOU!

Yours Very Frustrated,
A Nobody in Iran