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December 21, 2006

 Satire 
Open Letter
Arash Jalali  [info|posts]

A couple of weeks ago he wrote another letter. He likes writing letters; or maybe he likes attention. Whatever the motive, now that "His Excellency" has declared his detestation of "darkness, deceit, lies, and distortion" and his admiration for "salvaion, elightenment, sincerity and honesty", I, yours truely, a nobody living in Iran, who is eternally grateful to the Almighty for having been blessed to be living under "His Excellency's" God-fearing, truth-loving, justice-seaking administration, would in turn like to write a letter to him.

Your Luminescence,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am a nobody. One of the many million nobodies living in the country we call Iran, the same place Your Excellency would rather call "the Islamic Land", because afterall, this dear land does not belong to our fellow Iranian Christians, Iranian Jews, Iranian Bahaais, Iranian Zoroastrians, and yes Iranian agnostics and atheists. Yet, we God-fearing justice-seaking Shi'ites allow these infidels to live in our Islamic land in peace and harmony with us, out of the kindness of our heart, simply because we "deplore injustice and trampling of peoples' rights".

Your Excellency! A couple of weeks ago I read the news of your open letter to the American people while browsing through the headlines on a newspaper stand. The news of your thoughtful and timely action thrilled me so much, that I could not stop myself laughing so laudly, the other people thought I had lost my senses. Today, I finally had the chance to read your remarkable letter. It made me so proud to read those words, and so relieved that I, unlike those poor Americans, have a government that is so much concerned about the well-being of the people of the whole wide world. How envious the Americans ought to be, to see that I live in a country, the president of which reminds other nations of the fact that "governments are there to server their own people." Too bad they cannot see for themselves the kind of service we receive from Your Excellency's administration. Just recently I found out our Internet connection speeds are being curbed and furthermore filtered on the orders of your infinitely wise administration. I cannot begin to describe the sense of security it gave me, to know that my government is so much concerned about my moral well-being, that in an era of Gigabit networks, my government cannot even tolerate a couple-of-hundred Kilobit per second connection for the morally vulnerable citizens like me.

Too bad the Americans are not here to see for themselves the extent of freemdom of speech in this country. Our press enjoy so much freedom that Your Excellency's government is now passing orders for websites and weblogs to apply for licenses, or else face "the consequences". It is true that the Americans invented the Internet, but they are so obtuse not to have asked the world to apply for a license, otherwise you and I could not now use it to "freely" accuse their Administration of supporting injustice and distortion of truth!

I wish you had elaborated more on the idea of "a better approach to governance." Mention of a few instances like spending the country's cash reserves on building Minarets for shrines in Iraq while our own fellow earthquake-striken Iranians are still living in tents, would have certainly been illuminating. How about promoting the eradication of family planning and birth control? How about sending the stock market down the hills by adopting an insance policy of "deprivatization" and scaring off private investors by establishing a climate of fear and a constant anticipation of war? I also wonder why "Your Excellency" did not give these Yankees a few lessons on your latest innovations in the electoral process. I can merely hope, having seen our last Friday's elections, the American government at least is inspired to resort to more elegant methods of rigging votes, and stop spending so much of their tax payers' money on designing "deceptive" ballot papers that only manage to confuse a bunch of retired people down in Florida. I wish you had told them this in a language they can understand, like: "If you want to rig the votes, you ought to stop being such wussies and rig'em like real men. Steal the whole goddamn ballot boxes and fill'em with whatever freakin' names you like!"

I also do not think the Americans can grasp the depth of your remarks on putting "wealth and power in the service of peace, stability, prosperity and the happiness of all peoples". I wish you had brought forth some concrete examples, like giving money to terror-craving monsters in Lebanon and Iraq to bring war to their own country.

So good of you to remind the newly elected American congressmen and senators of the fact that they shall be held accountable by "the people" and "the history". There is a famous quote from the prophet that says: "Audit yourselves [and your deeds] before you get audited." I realize it is too much to ask of your Excellency, but for once, just once, please think! Think how "the people" and "the history", which you adamently insist on denying, will audit you and your company. Not "the people" whom you bring along in buses to "greet" you in different cities but nobodies like me. Believe me you do not want them to audit you! But I suppose you have already found that out when you visited the Polytechnic University.

Mr. President! I too detest "darkness, deceit, lies and distortion", but I also detest the people who are the embodiments of not only darkness, deceit, lying and distortion, but also symbols of cultural and intellectual anti-progression and degeneracy. And by that token please allow me to say this to you with utmost sincerity: I detest YOU!

Yours Very Frustrated,
A Nobody in Iran

Comments
Ben at December 21, 2006 09:32 PM [permalink]:

Rreflective post, I wonder if his excellency would allow a letter to Iranians from Bush to be published in Iran - or even this letter.

AIS at December 22, 2006 03:40 AM [permalink]:

Great post!

double_take at December 22, 2006 07:54 AM [permalink]:

Excellent black humour - infinitely well expressed !!

It's such a pleasure to read humorous critiques of our leaders, rather than violently screamed insults as on some blogs & comment sections.

What never ceases to amaze me is the fact that the so-called 'leaders' of our world are so successful in dividing one people against another. This is why Internet is SO important - it allows (not everywhere as you rightly point out) ordinary people to talk to each other. Very subversive indeed as it also enables us to realise that the world's problems are not essentially between West and Eastordinary, atheists and believers, blacks and whites, one religious group against another. I think most of us could quite easily live with these normal and essential differences. What is dangerous is how all our political (and religious) leaders and elites, in all corners of the globe, use these differences to grab and maintain their own powers and give reign to their own personal complexes, don't you think?

Anyway - thank you for a delightful read and glad to hear that His Luminescence has not been acclaimed by a triumphant majority in the recent elections.

Double_take

vote_rigger at December 23, 2006 09:59 PM [permalink]:

I wouldn't recommand Ahmadinejad to teach Bush administration how to rig the votes coz last time Bush rigged the votes in Florida, he won but Ahmadinejad's team in the last election just a few days ago lost. SOMEBODY DIDN'T RIG IT RIGHT.

E. Dodge at December 25, 2006 12:01 PM [permalink]:

After only hearing so much about internal Iranian disent, I find your letter to be a breath of fresh air. The craving for power and control over average people's lives crosses nearly all religeous, political, idealogical, geographical, and historical lines. I've long thought this craving in some to be a far more fundamental motivation in wars and conflicts than some strict devotion to a particular set of beliefs. Ahmadinijihad also seems to be simply playing his part in all this, his strings being pulled by those above him. One thing I wish for, is a better understanding in the west of what average Iranians really think, about themselves, about the U.S., about Israel, about Islam's role/purpose in the world, about the train of declarations spewing from Ahmadinijihad regarding "Iran's" intentions to destroy Israel, the U.S., etc.

Arash Jalali at December 26, 2006 06:53 AM [permalink]:

Here is an interesting analysis of what the Luminescent Man and his company (both past an present) have done and are still doing to Iran:

http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/061225/iran_oil.html?.v=6

The following remark (quoted from the above article) is particularly interesting:


"What they are doing to themselves is much worse than anything we [the United States] could do," said Roger Stern from Johns Hopkins University.

Craig at December 28, 2006 01:02 AM [permalink]:

Arash, the thing about the article you linked (in the above comment) that disturbs me the most is Stern argues that Iran may really need nuclear power, because the regime has let the oil industry fall into disrepair. Oh, good... so they need nuclear reactors, because the oil drilling equipment/pipelines/etc is in such a bad state.

What happens to nuclear reactors, when they fall into disrepair? There's gonna be a lot more problems than an energy shortage, that's for sure!

Arash Jalali at December 28, 2006 03:56 AM [permalink]:

Yes it does sound alarming, doesn't it. Yet, I think the West has done a lousey job in dealing with the Mullahs. It's been a roller coaster of blind engagement and diplomatic cuddling or total detatchment. During the 80' and the early 90's, Iran was heavily isolated. Yet the mullahs managed to get their hands on nuclear know-how from the wrong kind of people, i.e. the black market dealers like AQ-Khan who are not bound by any law, regulation, or subject to any regulatory monitoring....Just driven by sheer craving for more profit! By the time the West realized they shouldn't have left the Mullahs alone, it was too late to engage, yet even in their engagement they picked the wrong strategy.

There is a lot I have to say about why I think the West has gone, and is still going, the wrong way in dealing with the Islamic regime. Maybe I write about it in another post. Right now however, I am very much worried about Iran, domestically, with this lunatic breaking every world record in horrible "governance".


Arash Jalali at December 29, 2006 04:39 PM [permalink]:

Ok ladies and gentlemen. President Light Bulb (I am starting to think maybe the name Luminescent Man is a bit too much for a person of this calibre), did it yet again!

This time he has written to Pope Benedict XVI. I am both relieved and disappointed at the same time, that the details of the letter are not disclosed. Relieved that the radius of embarassment Mr. Light Bulb is going to cause Iran is at least smaller than the previous times, and disappointed that only the Pope and maybe a handful of his aids might get to have a good laugh. The country's annual budget has vanished three months before the end of our fiscal year, our high IQ administration has brought us a multi-billion dollar deficit, the country is being officially and unofficially put under sanctions, and yet, President AhmadiJIHAD has in some ingenious way managed to spare our fellow Iraqi brothers, who happen to owe us a few billion dollars of damages for the war, one billion dollars of loan! I mean, is this guy just something, or is he something?

M at January 3, 2007 02:32 AM [permalink]:

Great post, very discriminating mind, may God bless you and keep you on the right track Arash. And most of all may God preserve your humility and humbleness. I fear that Ahmadinejad's downfall was due to his lack of humulity not of knowledge. Thus his deceitful ways are very twisted and difficult to uncover for the common human mind. I also fear many will fall because of Ahmadinejad in the coming times...

A nobody in Lebanon

Arash R at January 3, 2007 02:33 AM [permalink]:

I know what was in letter,
It was an invitation to the holey religion of Islam, send with a guy with some circumcision tools, to perform the customs and formalities at the place.
There are some rumors that if Pops body guards where not present they had finished their job.

I think now the Pop and his holey church after thousands of years of dealing with
Galileo, Copernicus, Mandalief and Joan of Arcs and some other Intellectuals who were excommunicated by the holey church have found a good match with same level of IQ as their own who they can deal with him and happily start another hundred years of crusader wars to kill millions or even billions innocent people in the name of god from both sides!

AIS at January 11, 2007 09:41 PM [permalink]:

To all the retards, leftist, islamist or even worse communist who are obsessed and in love of the s0 called "palestinian" non-entity and its population of zombies:
http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3351134,00.html

Ben at January 12, 2007 08:41 PM [permalink]:

The masses of this 40 year old nation are stupid enough to commit and glorify terrorism, democratically elect a terror organisation to run their lives and believe in their own lies and rewritten false history.
Suffice to say no brainer that they worship a mass murderer, after all, that's only a jog in the park, for them.

AIS at January 13, 2007 01:57 AM [permalink]:

Exactly. You said it all.
But what about all those sophistos around the world who are in love with these scums' "struggle"? All the (w)academics, "intellectuals" ... ?
This is truly a global tragedy.

-Who is the bigger idiot, the idiot or those who follow him? (Obi-Wan Kenobi)

Ron at January 13, 2007 12:08 PM [permalink]:

Speaking of idiots...

-Never argue with an idiot, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference. (Mark Twain)

:)

Ben at January 13, 2007 07:17 PM [permalink]:

Very true and just as much hard to follow..

AIS at January 14, 2007 09:14 AM [permalink]:

:-)

AIS at January 18, 2007 05:21 AM [permalink]:

No need for any remarks.
Ladies and gentlemen, the religion of "pieces" is the indeed the most complete moral standard for mankind for all times.
Amen.

Arash Jalali at January 18, 2007 06:55 PM [permalink]:

Goodness! I think I am going to forget all about pacifism for a moment and wish we immediately go to war with Georgia or Venezuela. Why not Sweden, where they have tall gorgeous looking blonds, you might ask? Well, I don't think we would stand a chance of taking any Swedes as POW's, with an army many times the size of the whole UK army!

But seriously, with something like this, how in the world can any follower of this kind of nonsense pass judgement on what is going on in Guantanamo Bay (where I presume they held a good number of these people)? How the hell can such people even mention the Geneva convention?


Ben at January 18, 2007 10:46 PM [permalink]:

You forgot the trademark!

Religion of Pieces™

AIS at January 19, 2007 03:45 AM [permalink]:

Arash,

they can and they do. it is taqiyeh of course and a lot of nerves, the ONLY talent and commodity an islamist has got, and why shouldn't they? When the world, including in particular the civilised region, buys it from them and gives them more and more room to spread their filth and f*** whatever decent is left.

Ben,

sorry. You are right. my bad. plagiarising should remain their monopoly as well. ;)
(I still don't know how to add the TM sign though...)

Ben at January 19, 2007 04:33 AM [permalink]:

Turn Numlock on, hold ALT+0153 = ™
http://www.csun.edu/itr/guides/ascii-chart.html heh

AIS at January 19, 2007 06:51 PM [permalink]:

Thanx.

Ben at January 22, 2007 05:09 AM [permalink]:

OK,
Aside the "Religion of Pieces™" joking and such, here's a hilarious unbelievably funny segment I found of a Saudi sheik explaining one of the ages old question kids ask: "Whats the difference between boys and girls?"

Before you click the link I must say a brief disclamer so no one will accuse me of anything later:
A) I know this can't represent Muslims collective attitude to women.
B) I know Jewish and Christian religious preachers have already said things just as stupid about this subject.
C) Still funny as hell !

*watch out, FireFox incompatible link, use Explorer:
http://switch5.castup.net/frames/20041020_MemriTV_Popup/video_480x360.asp?ai=214&ar=055wmv&ak=null

AIS at January 22, 2007 09:07 PM [permalink]:

What a chic cyber version of this desert death cult filth. :)

I came by this.
It is very revealing of the tragedy and the irony of the our world kow-towing like this to a bunch of desert human garbages that are spreading their filth around the globe, while one of the oldest, most civilised and humane sections of humanity are threated as second class humans, and ironically are demonised at the same time and by the same petty "multiculturalist" "openminded" neo-slaves of the scourge of our time, the religion of pieces™.
Ironic and tragic.

AIS at January 26, 2007 01:51 PM [permalink]:

Shouldn't we just love the media dominated by the left?

Isn't it nice? The deja-vu of what happened in 1917 in Russia and 1933 Germany and 1979 in Iran in a wider scale in Western Europe now? Where the left shows its true nature: fascims and ideology of death in its intermediary phase and nothing much otherwise worth mentioning?
And you know what, after all that these "post-enlightened" Europeans have done this century and the last and the direction they are so adamant on going, maybe it is what they deserve after all. Let them have it! There is a bit of justice in it. too. And you know what, they can have that of ours as well. It is at least in a more advanced stage. They can skip a lot of trouble and get right to it.

Mike at February 1, 2007 10:26 PM [permalink]:

I could barely make it through your letter to Ahmadinejad without cracking up, though that is a reflection of its acuteness. Ahmadinejad seems pretty cynical on one level, as it seems that he is not so interested in the concerns of ordinary Iranians, but rather in continuing some kind of productive tension with the West.

But fortunately you have smarter leaders behind him, like Khamenei. Iran will negotiate with the Saudis, Americans will eventually withdraw from Iraq, and diplomacy will continue to be the norm for Iran. The way I see it, in order for these internal issues of undue repression by the regime to be resolved, first there needs to be a solution of external problems, which will come with the compromises the US will make when it negotiates with Iran. Only thing that matters for right now is to avoid any sudden aggression from Bush, and then we can all work from there and resolve issues.


Please read and respond to my blog:
http://iransolutions.blogspot.com/

Huh? at February 3, 2007 06:16 AM [permalink]:

Mike:

While you are at it, can we, please, also avoid the ongoing aggression from Khamenei, Ahmadinejad, Safavi, Mesbah-Yazdi, Hezb-ollah, Basij, etc.?

Sam at February 13, 2007 04:22 PM [permalink]:

Iran's "leaders" are playing a very dangerous game, and they don't know the rules. I am an ordinary american. I am not politically connected. I have no particular agenda, other than to try to prevent a preventable trajedy. Average americans do not war with Iran. They also will not allow Iran to develop nuclear weapons. And it is not because of any ethnic or religious prejudice. It is for the same reason anyone in the US can own a gun, except for the insane and convicted criminal. The insane and the criminals cannot be trusted with deadly weapons. Your President is insane, and his regime an international pariah. Sensible people like yourself must overthrow these lunatics, or the results will be trajedy. Make no mistake, the feeling of 60-70% of americans is that as bad an option as war is, a nuclear armed Iran is far worse. If the regime continues its pursuit of nuclear weapons, America will attack and destroy these facilities, probably with tactical nuclear weapons. If Iran retaliates, expect Qom and Tehran to be vaporized by thermonuclear weapons. It's getting serious. Your President may tell you the risks of an American attack are "minimal." They are not, and a wise man pays no heed to the ramblings of a lunatic.

Stephen Kawamoto at March 4, 2007 03:45 AM [permalink]:

Hello, I am a nobody in Canada.

Rather than trying to escape thugs called the religious police in Iran, our thugs are drunken youths with substance abuse disorder which implies a miserable family life.

Supposedly the religious police come from good homes.

Having said that, is it possible to convert to Shi'ite Islam and move to Iran so I can escape such a miserable life of poverty in Canada by becoming one of your pious religious police?

I really rather bust some unbelieving Shi'ite youth for drinking and smoking pot with his Sunni girlfriend in Tehran than get beat up by drunken youth in Canada.

Mehrdad H. at April 3, 2007 10:15 AM [permalink]:

Sean Penn's Open Letter to Bush

Ben at April 4, 2007 06:54 PM [permalink]:

Useless piece of alcoholic liberal activist who exploited the Katrina disaster as a political P.R exercise and has no education whatsoever. Having such a puny little mind like he's got, he should stick to acting, no offence to actors (really).

Ben at April 4, 2007 06:57 PM [permalink]:

And one more thing so none gets me wrong.
Liberalism isn't a bad thing per se but these kind of people give it a bad name.

A Reader at April 5, 2007 10:19 PM [permalink]:

LINK

Irandoost at April 6, 2007 11:59 AM [permalink]:

I read Arash's response to Mr. Ahmadinezad. Like him, I was curious what Mr. Ahmadizejad could have written about, so, I searched and downloaded the contents of his letter to President Bush. I also followed up with what Mr. Khatami had to say during his recent "dialogue of civilizations tour."

In my opinion either of these two gentlemen are living in the la la land or cunningly trying to deceive the so gullible American people.

I was furious after listening to Mr. Khatami and reading Mr. Ahmadinejad's letter.

How can they talk about dialogue, when they have curtailed it in Iran. Have they forgotten about their record on unemployment, human rights violations, addiction, kidnapping, rape and torture, stoning women, inflation, censorship.

In my opinion Mr. Bush lost a great opportunity. He should have responded to Ahmadinezad's letter on the condition that Mr. Ahmadinezad make it publicly available to the world. He should have also attached many letters such as Arash's among many others to his response.

The bottom line is that the Mullahs have learned how to manipulate the foreign media, and the Western media has turned a blind eye on what is happening in Iran.

Compared to these guys, Shah does not look so bad.