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April 07, 2006

 Satire 
A Week of Technological Miracles
Guest Author: Omid Paydar

tornado-frg-1999.jpg I remember when I was a child during the Iran-Iraq war, our religious instruction teacher at school would go into detail on how an Iranian paramilitary fighter (basiji) would fire just one Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG7) and with god's grace (talk about remote-controlled), five Iraqi tanks would explode. I never thought it would take our country this many years to develop a multiple independently targetable re-entry vehicle (MIRV).

Monday: Iran tests a super dooper radar-evading missile. The missile can avoid any Western radars and hit multiple targets at the same time and can be characterized as a MIRV. Particularly it was designed to play hide and seek with the Israeli Arrow missile. It is said that the missile also sends out wireless emails calling for the destruction of Israel and denying the holocaust.

Tuesday: Iran successfully test-fired a super-modern "flying boat". In addition to fishing in peace time, the flying boat can be used to attack enemy units in and around the Persian Gulf. The super-modern (in case someone thinks this is just a flying raft) flying "ghost" boat cannot be picked up by radar and comes in metallic silver and green colors. Exercise spokesman Rear Admiral Mohammed Ibrahim Dehkani asserted that "the very fast boat which can loose enemy rockets while rising above water was not picked up by any radar (certainly not by our own)." According to official sources, the boat itself is capable of rising above the surface of the water and is armed with missiles which are able to home in on their target with great accuracy even while the ship is moving. It is claimed that this technological miracle was developed and constructed from start to finish in Iran.

Wednesday: Iran announced the launch of the world's fastest underwater missile that travels three times faster than the fastest western torpedos and exactly the same speed as the Russian torpedo Shkval. The torpedo which unfortunately can be seen on Radar can fortunately move so fast that large ships and submarines cannot do anything about it once it decides to hit them.

Thursday: Iranian State television showed the launch of a surface-to-sea missile known as the Kowsar that the Iranians claim can evade radar and whose guidance system cannot be scrambled. The Kowsar is so fast that it was used to hit the torpedo tested one day earlier.

Friday: Iran has successfully test fired a "top secret" missile - the third in a week, according to state-run Iranian TV. The missile was an "ultra-horizon" weapon that could be fired from all types of military vehicles, the television report said. Because of the top-secret nature of the missile, State television could not elaborate more on the missile.

Saturday: Iran announces the construction of a "giant laser" to be launched with the Mesbah satellite next year. The laser which looks like a giant ----, will orbit the earth over targets of the "global arrogance" and hit them when (and if) necessary.

Sunday: Iran announces the training of super-secret super modern Kamikaze seaducks. The seaducks have modern explosives strapped to their bodies and can hit any ship, submarine, airplane, chopper or other moving objects that carry U.S., Israeli, British (and if necessary Saudi) flags. The ducks can evade radar and travel very fast. They can use the Kowsar missiles to reach their initial speed and cruise towards their targets. The ducks have been given headbands that read : "You didn't see that comin' did ya?"

It is anticipated that more super weaponry will be revealed in the coming weeks. For those not convinced, watch this rap clip created by the Iranian paramilitary (Basij). (Disclaimer: This clip does not yet contain all the super dooper weapons)

Omid Paydar is an Iranian freelance researcher on Iranian and Middle Eastern affairs.
Comments
Winston at April 8, 2006 02:35 AM [permalink]:

Their flying boat was just hillarious!

LMAO!

An Iranian Student (AIS) at April 8, 2006 05:42 AM [permalink]:

Nice post

Ben at April 8, 2006 11:22 AM [permalink]:

Wow.. I didn't know the Iranian army was that advanced and never seen any of these weapons in the.. Aparentely they are also very good at hiding stuff underground.
Also didn't understand a word they sang in the rap clip tho :P

sahar roshan at April 8, 2006 06:14 PM [permalink]:

I liked it, it was funny...

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